Choose Presence Now

Connection is usually mundane. It’s answering the question instead of half-listening. It’s looking up from your phone. It’s saying, “tell me more.” Today is about catching them more often, responding with presence, and remembering that one small act of care can shift a whole day, even if you never see the impact.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬 Science Spotlight: Joint savoring buffers relationship stress…
🗣️ Therapist Corner: Emotional bids build daily connection…
📰 Mental Health News: Exercise mimetics; Zuckerberg trial…
🫂 Community Voices: Friendship faded without a fight…

Let's check in on the hard conversation you've been avoiding:

This week, did you move any closer to having the conversation you've been avoiding? Even just thinking about it differently counts. You don't have to have it today. But knowing you're capable of it, knowing the words exist even if you haven't said them yet, that's progress.

The most powerful kindness often happens invisibly. How comfortable are you offering care without seeing its effect?

Types of Boundaries Guide

Understanding the different types of boundaries helps you recognize where you might need to set clearer limits in your life, from how you spend your time to how much emotional energy you give to others. Download your free Boundaries Guide and start protecting your wellbeing today.

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Emotional Bids in Relationships: The Small Moments That Build Connection

Answered by: Charlene Croukamp, MPCC

In 1999, the Irish band Westlife released a song called Flying Without Wings. As a teenager, one line quietly captured my heart: "It's the little things that only I know, those are the things that make you mine."

I didn't have language for it then, but I think I recognised something deeply human—the way small, almost invisible moments can make someone feel chosen, known, and close. That lyric stayed with me for years and eventually became part of my wedding song.

What I now understand is that those "little things" have a name.

They're called emotional bids.

What Are Emotional Bids?

Relationship researcher John Gottman describes emotional bids as the fundamental units of connection. A bid is any small attempt to reach for another person: a comment, a question, a touch on the arm, sharing a funny meme, pointing out the sunset, saying, "Can I tell you about my day?" It's our nervous system gently asking, Are you there with me? Do I matter to you right now?

When you start looking, you see them everywhere.

A stranger offering a kind smile on a heavy day. Your child wrapping their arms around you after school. A partner calling from the other room, "Come look at this." A teammate squeezing your shoulder and saying, "Great job—you gave it your all."

These moments may seem small, but they are the glue of belonging. They are how we say, See me. Know me. Be with me.

How We Respond Matters

What matters most isn't how often bids happen—they happen constantly—but how we respond. Gottman describes three common responses: we can turn toward, turn away, or turn against.

Turning toward might look like looking up from your phone, answering the question, smiling back, or offering a simple "tell me more." It says, I'm here.

Turning away is subtler—a distracted nod, silence, half-listening. It says, maybe later.

Turning against is sharper—criticism, irritation, dismissal. It says, you're too much.

Over time, these small responses accumulate. Not grand gestures. Not expensive trips. Just daily moments of attunement.

The Cumulative Effect

When bids are welcomed, trust grows. We feel safer, softer, more open. But when bids are ignored or met with impatience or shame, something in us quietly retreats. We stop reaching. We protect ourselves. Resentment can take root where connection once lived.

The good news is this isn't about personality or natural talent. It's a learnable skill, one built through noticing. Through pausing. Through choosing, again and again, to turn toward.

Connection is rarely dramatic. More often, it's found in ordinary seconds: a hand squeeze, shared laughter, a gentle "I'm listening."

As the song says, it's the little things.

And the beautiful truth is this: those little things are available to us every day.

Charlene Croukamp is a Registered Professional Counsellor and Certified Mediator with experience in conflict resolution and trauma-informed support. She has worked in corrections, victim services, and high-stakes crisis negotiation, helping individuals navigate complex personal and professional challenges. Passionate about fostering respectful and inclusive environments, she combines empathy, strategic insight, and practical solutions to support people through conflict and adversity. Find her the following links:

The Habit That Protects Relationships Under Stress

Read the Study

The Research: Researchers examined how "joint savoring," intentionally slowing down to appreciate positive experiences together, affects romantic relationships. The study surveyed 589 adults in committed relationships.

Couples who engaged in more joint savoring reported less conflict, greater relationship satisfaction, and more confidence in their future together. The protective effect was strongest among couples facing higher stress levels, savoring served as a buffer, helping protect both their confidence in the relationship and their mental health during difficult times.

Why It Matters: Most relationship interventions focus on conflict resolution skills, teaching couples how to handle the hard times better. This research suggests there's equal power in amplifying the good times. When couples face elevated stress, financial pressure, work demands, health challenges, caregiving responsibilities, the habit of savoring positive moments together helps maintain relationship confidence and mental health.

Try It Today: Once a week, slow down and talk about something good. Revisit a favorite memory and what made it meaningful. When you're sharing a moment you're both enjoying, say so out loud: "I'm really enjoying this" or "This is nice, being here with you." That's it. That's the whole practice.

If things are stressful right now, making time for this matters more, not less. You don't need extra time or money. You just need to treat your happy moments differently, to pause, notice, share, and let them matter.

I can offer small acts of care without knowing their full impact. Simple gestures I might dismiss as insignificant can matter profoundly to someone who needs them.

Think of one small kindness someone showed you that changed your day or even your trajectory. That gesture probably felt minor to them but meant everything to you.

It's okay if your offering feels small. You don't need to know how much it matters to give it anyway.

Offer one small act of connection today: a genuine smile, a kind word, actually listening when someone speaks, a brief touch on someone's arm. Don't dismiss it as too small to matter. You have no idea what someone is carrying.

"The Friendship That Ended Without a Fight"

Shared by Aisha

Sarah and I were inseparable for seven years. College roommates, then the same city after graduation, talking every day, knowing everything about each other. People joked that we were the same person.

Then she got a new job. I started dating someone. We both got busy. Nothing dramatic happened. No fight, no betrayal. We just started texting less, canceling plans more, and stopped being the first person the other called with news.

Within a year, we were down to liking each other's Instagram posts and "we should catch up soon" texts that neither of us followed through on.

I kept waiting for the moment we'd reconnect. One day, I realized it had been four months since we'd actually spoken, and I couldn't pinpoint when we'd stopped being close. No breakup, no closure. We just sort of faded apart.

The grief felt strangely lonely. When a relationship ends, people check on you. When a friendship dissolves, nobody notices. I couldn't really talk about how heartbroken I was without someone saying, "Just reach out to her then," like it was that simple.

But we'd become different people with different lives, and neither of us did anything wrong. There was no one to be mad at, nothing to fix. Just someone who used to be my whole world, slowly becoming someone I used to know. I still think about her sometimes. I wonder if she thinks about me, too.

Share Your Story

Have a mental health journey you'd like to share with our community? Reply back to this email. All submissions are anonymized and edited for length with your approval before publication. Each published story receives a $10 donation to the mental health charity of your choice.

Evening Reset: Notice, Write, Settle

Picture a person walking through a difficult day, weighed down by things no one else can see. Then someone smiles at them genuinely, or asks how they are and actually waits for the answer, or offers a kind word that lands exactly where it's needed. That small gesture doesn't fix everything, but it shifts something. It reminds them they're not invisible. Tonight you can recognize that you have the power to be that person for someone, often without ever knowing the impact.

Spend three minutes writing: What small gesture could I have offered today that I dismissed as too insignificant, and what might it have meant to someone I'll never fully know?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: Where did I offer small kindness today? Where did I miss an opportunity because I thought it wouldn't matter? How can I be more generous tomorrow with the small gestures that cost me nothing but might mean everything?

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear... all of which have the potential to turn a life around." — Leo Buscaglia

Small gestures of kindness aren't minor; they're powerful in ways you'll never fully see.

Video: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse | The Gottman Institute

Watch: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Dr. John Gottman's research suggests he can predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy by spotting four toxic patterns: criticism (attacking character), contempt (often the strongest predictor of breakups), defensiveness (playing victim), and stonewalling (withdrawing completely). Each has a research-backed antidote: "I feel" statements, building appreciation, accepting partial responsibility, and taking 20-minute breaks. Many couples don't realize they're communicating this way, and awareness alone can start to shift things.

Are you a therapist, psychologist, or mental health professional with something meaningful to share?

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Coming Monday: Your brain doesn't stop developing at 25. New research analyzing 4,200 brain scans shows network efficiency continues developing until early 30s, with your 20s being a critical construction period of high neuroplasticity, not a holding pattern before real adulthood.

Researched and edited by Natasha. Designed with love by Kaye.

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*The Daily Wellness shares educational content only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice and diagnosis. Please consult a licensed provider for personalized care.