Compassion Over Critique

Your inner critic didn’t come from nowhere. It was shaped by what you had to do to stay safe, accepted, or unseen. Today, we look at how that voice forms, why it spikes during calm or uncertainty, and how to build compassionate self-talk without pretending everything’s fine.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬 Science Spotlight: Gut microbes shape brain function…
🛠️ Tool of The Week: The Executive Pause technique…
🗣 Therapist Corner: Your inner critic is learned…
🙏 Daily Practice: Try self-approval, not criticism…

Let's notice the progress you're making that doesn't look like progress:

What progress are you making that doesn't look like progress? Resting more? Asking for help? Not quitting on yourself when it gets hard? That counts. Growth isn't always visible or impressive. Sometimes it's just showing up on a Monday when you really didn't want to.

Harsh self-talk often echoes childhood experiences. Which early pattern most influenced how you speak to yourself now?

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Answered by: Jacqui Parkin, MBACP (Accred)

Many people think their inner critic is just their personality—a voice that pushes them to do better, try harder, or avoid mistakes. But when that voice is harsh, shaming, or unforgiving, it's often not coming from who you are now; it's coming from who you had to be to survive. The inner critic is not something we are born with—it forms in relationship.

As children, we learn who we are through how others respond to us. When care is conditional, unpredictable, or critical, children adapt. They learn to monitor themselves closely. They become hyper-aware of what's acceptable and what isn't, so that over time external voices become internal ones.

How Childhood Messages Become Self-Talk

This is how self-talk begins to echo childhood messages. Phrases like "you should know better," "don't be so sensitive," or "you're failing again" often mirror things that were said directly, or communicated through tone, silence, or withdrawal. Even when the exact words were never spoken, the emotional message was felt and absorbed.

From a trauma-informed perspective, the inner critic is not a flaw. It's a protector, and it developed to keep you safe. If criticising yourself helped you avoid conflict, rejection, or harm in childhood, your nervous system learned that blaming yourself was safer than vulnerability. The problem is not that this strategy existed. The problem is that it stayed long after the danger passed. Trauma intensifies this pattern.

When emotional pain is repeated or unresolved, the nervous system remains on alert. The inner critic often becomes louder during moments of rest, joy, or uncertainty because those states once felt unsafe. For many people, calm feels unfamiliar, and criticism fills the space.

Building Compassionate Self-Talk

Developing compassionate self-talk begins with awareness, not correction. When the critic shows up, start by naming it gently: "A critical part is here." This creates distance and reduces shame. You're no longer the voice—you're noticing the voice.

Next, slow the moment down. Compassion can't take root in a body that feels threatened. A few steady breaths, a hand on your chest, or grounding through your senses can help signal safety. Regulation comes before reassurance.

Then shift from judgement to understanding. Instead of asking "What is wrong with me?" try "What is this part trying to protect me from?" Even if you disagree with its methods, honouring its original intention helps soften its grip.

When offering yourself this new voice, aim for realism rather than positivity. Compassionate self-talk isn't about forcing affirmations. It's about speaking to yourself the way a safe adult would speak to a struggling child: calm, clear, kind. For example, replace "I'm such a failure" with "This is hard, and I'm doing the best I can."

Replace "I shouldn't feel this way" with "It makes sense that I feel like this, given what I've been through." It can also help to imagine what you needed to hear when you were a child—words that acknowledge effort, validate feelings, and separate behavioural mistakes from identity. Over time, these responses begin to form a new internal pattern.

Consistency matters more than perfection. You won't eliminate your inner critic overnight—compassionate self-talk is built through repetition, especially in moments when you feel triggered, tired, or ashamed.

Healing the inner critic isn't about silencing the voice; it's about building a safer internal relationship where fear is no longer the motivator. Your inner critic was learned, and with patience and practice you can learn a gentler, more compassionate way to guide yourself.

Jacqui Parkin is an accredited online Psychotherapist/Counsellor and Therapeutic Coach with over eighteen years' experience supporting women through change and growth. Known for her warmth, humour, and grounding presence, she writes about emotional wellbeing with compassion, honesty, and a deep understanding of the messy realities of being human. Find her through the following links:

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/jacqui-parkin-york/905222
Website: jacquiparkin.com
Facebook: facebook.com/groups/sistersevolving

She'd been there before.

Lying awake at 3 AM, brain replaying every "wrong" thing she'd said that day. Wondering why she could offer endless kindness to everyone else—but never to herself.

Sound familiar?

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The Executive Pause

What it is: The Executive Pause is a brief, intentional delay between feeling triggered and responding. When something pushes your buttons, a critical comment, an urgent demand, a frustrating situation, you pause just long enough to let your thinking brain catch up before you react.

Why it works: When you're triggered, your brain defaults to fast, automatic reactions driven by emotion and habit. Your prefrontal cortex, the part that helps you think things through and make intentional choices, takes a few seconds longer to activate.

The pause buys your brain that time. It doesn't suppress your emotions or make them go away; it just gives your executive control a chance to join the conversation before you say or do something you might regret.

How to practice it:

When to use it: Perfect for heated conversations when you're about to say something harsh, when someone asks you to do something and your immediate instinct is to people-please, when you receive criticism and want to defend yourself, or anytime you feel that familiar surge of "I need to respond right now."

It's especially helpful for impulsive decisions, reactive emails, or moments when pressure makes you feel like you have to answer immediately.

Pro tip: You don't have to feel calm to use this tool. That's the whole point. The pause works even when you're still upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed. You're not waiting to feel better; you're just creating space between stimulus and response.

Your Gut Microbes May Have Built Your Brain

The Research: Researchers published groundbreaking findings showing that gut bacteria directly influence brain development and function. The team transplanted gut microbes from three primate species into germ-free mice. After eight weeks, the mice's brains began functioning like those of the primates whose microbes they received.

Mice given microbes from large-brained primates showed increased activity in genes linked to energy production and synaptic plasticity (the brain's ability to learn and adapt). The unexpected finding: mice receiving microbes from smaller-brained primates showed gene expression patterns associated with ADHD, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and autism.

Why It Matters: This study provides the first direct experimental evidence that your gut microbiome doesn't just affect digestion, it actively shapes how your brain develops and functions. If developing brains are exposed to the "wrong" microbes during critical early windows, brain function changes in ways that mirror patterns seen in neurodevelopmental disorders.

Try It Today: If you're pregnant or have young children, recognize that early microbial exposure matters for brain development. Vaginal birth (when medically possible), breastfeeding, and avoiding unnecessary antibiotics all help establish appropriate early microbiomes.

If you're an adult struggling with mental health, prioritizing gut health through diet, stress management, and limiting unnecessary antibiotic use isn't separate from mental health care, it's part of it.

I can experiment with self-acceptance as a strategy, not just a feeling. If criticism hasn't created the change I want, maybe approval will unlock what harshness couldn't.

Think of one person whose belief in you helped you more than their criticism ever did. That encouragement created possibility where shame would have created paralysis.

It's okay to stop treating yourself like an enemy who needs to be defeated. You can be on your own side and still grow.

When you notice self-criticism today, pause and ask: "Has years of this approach actually worked?" Then consciously try the opposite. Say one approving thing about yourself, even if you don't fully believe it yet. Treat it as an experiment, not a commitment.

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Evening Reset: Notice, Write, Settle

Picture two coaches training the same athlete. One screams insults, tells them they're worthless, and predicts failure. The other acknowledges mistakes but emphasizes progress, offers encouragement, and believes in potential. Which athlete improves? Which one shows up day after day, ready to try? Tonight, you can recognize that you are both the coach and the athlete, and the approach you've been using isn't working.

Spend three minutes writing: If I treated myself with approval instead of criticism for the next month, what am I afraid would happen? What might actually happen instead?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: How harshly did I speak to myself today? Did that harshness create any positive change, or did it just make me feel worse? How can I practice one moment of self-approval tomorrow, just to see what it unlocks?

"Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens." — Louise L. Hay

Years of self-criticism didn't fix you; maybe approval is the missing piece, not more harshness.

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Coming Tuesday: What to say when family brings up past mistakes to undermine your current decisions, and how to assert that you've grown and learned instead of being permanently defined by history.

Researched and edited by Natasha. Designed with love by Kaye.

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*The Daily Wellness shares educational content only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice and diagnosis. Please consult a licensed provider for personalized care.