Find The Words

Today is about two quiet skills that protect your energy: noticing what you’re doing by default, and naming what you’re feeling before it leaks out as tension, shutdown, or irritability. If you’ve been saying “I’m fine” when you’re not, or giving your attention away out of habit, this is a gentle reset.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬 Science Spotlight: Brain development continues into early 30s…
🛠️ Tool of The Week: Change defaults; reclaim daily energy…
📰 Mental Health News: IDD disparities; AI safeguards inquiry…
🗣️ Therapist Corner: Emotional literacy: name feelings precisely…

Let's check in on where you're protecting your energy and where you're giving it away:

Where are you protecting your energy without guilt this week? Maybe you said no to something, set a boundary, or didn't engage with drama. And where are you still giving it away because you feel like you should? Where are obligation and guilt still running the show?

Bridging the gap between what you feel and what you can name isn't easy. Which obstacle affects you most?

Dialectical Thinking Guide

Life isn't black and white, and your thoughts don't have to be either. Dialectical thinking is a powerful DBT skill that helps you hold space for two seemingly opposite truths at the same time. Download this Dialectical Thinking Guide and learn to embrace this 'both/and' mindset to reduce emotional turmoil and navigate life's complexities with more self-compassion.

The Education of Emotions: Learning to Identify and Express Feelings

Answered by: Mark McDermott, MA

As part of my work as a therapist, I work with teenagers in schools. It's very rewarding but also incredibly frustrating at times. I ask every student that I see how they are when they enter the room. Most of them respond with "Good" or "Fine." I ask—"Really?" At this point, they look at me with a frown. "What on earth is this guy ON about!?" I probe a little more. "So school is great and everything in your life is tickety-boo?" "Well…no…"

And it's not just young people. Adults too find it difficult to zero in on their actual feelings. Try it. Right now. Think about how you're feeling in this moment. What words would you use? How would you describe to others the exact feelings and emotions that you're experiencing in this very moment?

If you're like most people, you'll find that slightly more tricky than you might have imagined! That's because we don't think about our feelings and emotions enough. This can lead to us saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or displaying behaviours that others find confusing. Has anyone said "What's wrong with YOU!?"

Understanding Alexithymia

Most of us, given some time and thought, can label our feelings and emotions. Some people have a condition called "Alexithymia"—a term derived from Greek that literally translates to "No words for emotions." Rather than a lack of feeling, it is a difficulty in processing them. These people struggle to find the words to bridge the gap between the body (feelings) and the mind (thoughts). Emotions often feel overwhelming.

Why Emotional Literacy Matters

We need to be able to convey our emotions accurately in order to enhance communication and develop our relationships. Learning to understand our thoughts, feelings and emotions is a way of developing our emotional literacy. It takes work—just as literacy and numeracy takes work. Developing our emotional literacy is crucial to developing a stronger sense of self and improving our relationships with those around us.

How Do We Improve?

To begin with, check in with yourself on a regular basis. How are you feeling right now? Can you be specific? What words best describe your mood? You could use an emotion wheel as a guide to begin with.

Taking this a step further, we can practice noticing the changes in our bodies during the day. Are we feeling tired? Irritated? Angry? It's really useful to try to name the feelings and emotions as they arise.

In order to do this effectively, it's useful to take a moment to think before reacting. Think—"How am I feeling? What name do I need to give to this feeling? Is my action going to be in line with this feeling?" Knowing why we feel the way we do will help us to gain more agency over our actions and behaviours.

Many people find journalling is a helpful way of developing their emotional literacy. To reflect back on our day and consider the range of feelings and emotions we have experienced is a very useful tool. You might be very surprised as to the range of feelings you've had! It also helps us to identify situations that might trigger certain responses from us, thereby helping us to recognise potential hotspots in the future!

Practice Makes Progress

Emotional literacy is something that is learned. Just like learning to play the piano, we get better at it the more time and effort we put into it. Developing our ability to name our feelings and emotions will help us with our own self-awareness and enable us to connect with our friends and families in a more authentic, congruent way.

Mark McDermott is a UK-based therapist with a master's degree in relationship counselling. He works with young people, adults, couples and families and has a special interest in both neurodivergent and LGBTQ clients. As a former teacher, he recognises that the formation of good relationships are key to successful therapeutic interactions. Contact Mark through his Psychology Today Page.

Grounded DBT Toolkit (Final Reminder)

DBT — Dialectical Behavior Therapy — is the most clinically researched method for emotional regulation ever developed. It teaches four evidence-based skills: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.

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Change the Default

What it is: Change the Default is a decision tool that helps you interrupt autopilot patterns by questioning what you're doing simply because it's already in motion. Humans have a strong tendency to stick with preset options, habitual patterns, and whatever path is already underway, even when better alternatives exist. This tool asks you to identify what you're doing by default, then ask: "If this weren't already in place, would I choose it today?"

Why it works: We treat defaults, both institutional and personal, as if they're neutral or endorsed, when really they're just what happened to be set up first. Your brain conserves effort by avoiding the work of re-evaluating, and loss aversion makes change feel risky even when the current state isn't serving you. Over time, choices you made once become patterns you never consciously re-chose.

How to practice it: Notice a pattern in your life: how you start your mornings, how quickly you say yes to requests, what you do when stressed, how you structure your evenings. Then ask: "If this weren't already my habit, would I design it this way?" If the answer is no, make one small adjustment. You're not fixing everything. You're just disrupting one default that's running on autopilot.

When to use it: Perfect for when you feel trapped in routines that drain you, when you're saying yes out of habit rather than choice, when you're stuck in patterns inherited from someone else's expectations, or when you catch yourself thinking "this is just how I am."

Pro tip: Personal defaults include how you speak to yourself, how late you stay up, how you respond to criticism, and how you spend your weekends. These stop feeling like choices over time. They're not.

Contrary to Popular Belief, Your Brain Doesn't Stop Developing at 25

Read the Study

The Research: A study analyzed brain scans from more than 4,200 people, from infancy to age 90, looking not just at gray matter volume but at how different brain regions communicate through white matter connections.

The researchers found that network efficiency, how well different brain regions talk to each other, keeps developing until the early 30s. After around age 32, the brain shifts from building new connections to maintaining the most-used ones.

Why It Matters: The "fully developed at 25" idea came from a study that tracked gray matter changes in young people up to around age 20, then estimated development might finish around 25. That estimate was never definitive; it was just something that stuck.

The reality is more nuanced: your late teens through early 30s are when your brain is doing some of its most important work, building the networks that will support how you think and function as an adult. The pressure to have everything figured out by 25 was never based on solid science.

Try It Today: If you're in your 20s or early 30s, the uncertainty and experimentation you're living through isn't a sign something's wrong. That's actually what this phase is for. Challenge yourself with things that are genuinely hard, manage your stress where you can, and go a little easier on yourself about the timeline.

If you're past 32, neuroplasticity doesn't stop. It just shifts. You can still learn new things and change old patterns. That part doesn't have an end date.

I can observe my emotions as temporary states that rise and fall, not permanent truths about who I am. What I'm feeling right now won't last forever, even when it feels like it will.

Think of one intense emotion you experienced recently that eventually passed. That shift reminded you that feelings are temporary, not fixed, even when they feel overwhelming in the moment.

It's okay to feel what you feel without believing it will last forever. Emotions are visitors, not residents. They arrive, they leave. You don't have to make them stay or force them out.

When a strong emotion arises today, pause and simply observe it. Notice where you feel it in your body, how intense it is, what it wants you to do. Then watch it shift, even slightly. Practice seeing emotions as weather passing through, not the climate you live in.

Evening Reset: Notice, Write, Settle

Picture clouds moving across the sky. Some are light and quick, barely noticed before they're gone. Others are heavy and dark, lingering for what feels like forever. But even the stormiest clouds eventually move on because that's what clouds do. They pass. Your emotions work the same way. Anger arrives and fades. Joy rises and settles. Sadness deepens and lifts. Tonight you can practice seeing your feelings as those clouds: real while they're here, but not permanent fixtures.

Spend three minutes writing: What emotion did I treat as permanent today when it was actually just passing through, and how would I have responded differently if I'd remembered it was temporary?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: What feeling consumed me today that has already shifted? Where did I make a decision based on a temporary emotional state as if it were a permanent truth? How can I practice observing emotions tomorrow without letting them dictate everything?

"As you come to know your emotions better, you realize they're not one-dimensional, fixed states of mind that go on for so many hours, days, or years. They come and go, rise and fade, just like our breath, which lasts only a few seconds. With a little practice, you can actually watch this happening." — Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche

Emotions are weather patterns, not your permanent climate; they come and go if you let them.

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Coming Tuesday: What to say when family criticism becomes your inner voice, and how to address the direct connection between their harsh words and the negative self-talk you're struggling with internally.

Researched and edited by Natasha. Designed with love by Kaye.

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*The Daily Wellness shares educational content only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice and diagnosis. Please consult a licensed provider for personalized care.