Grieving Who You Were

Today's edition closes the week with a question many of us eventually face: Who am I now? Loss doesn't only take people. It can change routines, roles, confidence, purpose, and the version of yourself that once felt familiar.

Today we're exploring why identity often shifts after life's biggest changes, what grief can quietly take with it, and why healing isn't about becoming who you were before, but discovering who you are now.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬 Science Spotlight: Why grief can make your sense of self feel smaller…
🗣️ Therapist Corner: Grieving the person you used to be…
📰 Mental Health News: New research on teens, peers, and mental health…
🫂 Community Voices: Letting go of an identity that no longer fit…

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This week, did you take rest as maintenance instead of waiting for crisis? You're allowed to take care of yourself regularly. That’s how you stay okay, not selfishness.

"The 'after' isn't just absence of what was lost. It's not knowing your purpose, not recognizing yourself, not trusting what comes next. Which part hits hardest?"

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The Losses We Don't Talk About Poster

When something big changes, we tend to focus on the obvious loss. But most major transitions take more than one thing with them, and the quieter losses are often the hardest to name. This free poster maps out eight things that commonly disappear alongside a major life change.

Identity Loss: Grieving the Person You Used to Be

Ashley Olivia Nelson

Grieving More Than a Person

We think of grief as losing a person, but what about losing who we were? Losing a role, a purpose, a version of ourselves that felt certain and stable? That's grief too—one that doesn't come with a clear path forward.

It's true that, culturally, we don't know what to say or do when someone dies. How much harder is it to eulogize a living person, especially when that person is the former "you"?

When Your Identity Was Your Role

Perhaps you attached your identity to a role:

Then life changed. Whether through loss such as divorce or financial hardship, or through a major life transition like retirement, relocating, or receiving a promotion, you may realize that who you once were no longer fits the life you have. When this happens, we're often left with questions such as:

Secondary Losses

Friends may bring meals after a funeral, but rarely do we get casseroles for a breakup or the life adjustments that come with becoming an empty nester. This can make it difficult to feel supported because while others may recognize the primary event—your loss—they often miss what comes alongside it.

When our identity shifts, what once felt secure often gives way to uncertainty. Psychologists call these secondary losses—when the initial loss causes other aspects of life to disappear. For example, many people describe their lives in terms of a "before" and an "after."

Before Loss and After Loss

Identity Changes Are Normal

These reactions are not signs that something is wrong with you or that you are damaged. When a soldier gets injured, we don't say they fought poorly or that they are broken. We don't get angry at them for having "lost" a battle either. We say they are courageous and got wounded in the process of survival.

Remember: We fix broken things, but we care for wounded people. Your woundedness does not make you broken.

Many people spend months or years trying to become the person they were before the loss. But healing is rarely about returning to a previous version of yourself. Instead, it is about discovering who you are becoming because of what you've lived through.

Moving Forward, Not Backward

That doesn't mean you should be grateful for the hardship or pretend the loss did not happen. It simply recognizes that profound change invites profound self-discovery and the opportunity to live life differently.

Rather than asking, "How do I get my old life back?" consider asking, "What parts of me remain? What values still matter? Who do I want to become?"

Know that it's okay to stay present with who you are now. Breathe into the life you already carry and remember this: despite your losses, you are enough.

Ashley Olivia Nelson is the founder of Learning About Grief, an organization that has touched the lives of over 30,000 people across more than 50 countries. A two-time widow before the age of 35, Ashley brings both lived experience and professional insight to her work in grief and identity care. Since 2013, she has worked across healthcare, mental health, life insurance, and the funeral care industries to help people reconnect with who they are after loss and major life transitions. Her work has appeared in POPSUGAR, Marie Claire, Shape, and Next Avenue, and she is the author of The Identity Reset: A Guide to Discovering Yourself After Loss, Change, and Survival. Download a free preview of The Identity Reset to read the introduction and first two chapters.

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When Grief Makes Your Identity Feel Smaller

Read the Study

The Research: Researchers at Harvard studied 77 bereaved adults by asking them to complete open-ended “I am…” statements. People with complicated grief gave fewer self-descriptions overall and named fewer distinct parts of their identity.

They also described fewer activities, interests, likes, and preferences. The pattern was not that they described themselves more negatively or more often in relation to the person who died. It was that their sense of self seemed narrower.

Why It Matters: Most people carry many parts of themselves at once: parent, friend, professional, artist, reader, cook, runner, caretaker. Grief can make those parts harder to access. After a major loss, someone who once recognized themselves across many roles and interests may begin to feel like only “a grieving person.”

This study suggests that part of grief recovery may involve gently widening the self again, not by rushing forward, but by remembering the parts of you that still exist.

Try It Today: If you’re grieving, ask: “What is one part of me, outside of this loss, that still feels even slightly present?” It could be a value, a small preference, a role, a relationship, or an activity you’re not ready to return to yet. You don’t have to rebuild your whole identity today. Start by noticing one piece.

I can grieve the parts of myself that changed and still trust that something in me remains.

It’s okay if I don’t fully recognize myself right now. Loss can change my roles, routines, and future without erasing my worth.

Write down one part of yourself that still feels present, even slightly. It could be a value, a preference, a memory, a relationship, or a small thing you still care about. You don’t have to rebuild your whole identity today. Just notice one piece that remains.

"I Finally Admitted I Don't Like My Own Hobby Anymore"

Shared by David

I've been playing guitar since I was fourteen. It was my thing. People knew me as the guitar guy. But somewhere around last year, I stopped enjoying it. I'd sit down to play and feel obligated instead of excited. The band felt like a commitment I didn't want anymore.

I kept doing it anyway because I didn't know who I was without it. Guitar wasn't just something I did, it was part of my identity. So I kept showing up, kept practicing, kept pretending I still loved it.

Then I just stopped. Didn't make an announcement or anything, I just told the band I needed to step back, stopped going to open mics, put the guitar in the closet.

The guilt was weird. Like I was letting people down. Like I was supposed to be that person forever. But I wasn't that person anymore, and forcing myself to be was exhausting. A few months in, I realized I felt lighter. My evenings were actually free. I wasn't stressed about practice or performances.

This whole thing taught me that you can love something for years and then just stop. And that's okay. You don't have to keep doing things just because you've always done them. Sometimes the person you were needed guitar. The person I am now doesn't.

Share Your Story

Have a mental health journey you'd like to share with our community? Reply back to this email. All submissions are anonymized and edited for length with your approval before publication. Each published story receives a $10 donation to the mental health charity of your choice.

Evening Reset: Notice, Write, Settle

Picture a house where one room has suddenly become unavailable. The door is closed, and for a while, all you can feel is the absence of that space. You keep reaching for it out of habit. You keep expecting to walk through it. But the house is still standing. There are other rooms, other windows, other places where light still enters. Tonight, let yourself grieve the room you can no longer enter while remembering: the whole house has not disappeared.

Spend three minutes writing: What part of myself am I grieving, and what part of me still feels quietly present?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: What shifted in me today, even slightly, that I almost didn't notice? Where did I act from a version of myself that is still growing rather than one that's already decided? What is one part of who I'm becoming that I could nurture a little more intentionally tomorrow?

“The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation.” — John Dewey

You are not behind on becoming yourself. You are in the middle of it.

Book: The Identity Reset: A Guide to Discovering Yourself After Loss, Change, and Survival by Ashley Olivia Nelson

Read: The Identity Reset: A Guide to Discovering Yourself After Loss, Change, and Survival by Ashley Olivia Nelson

Author Ashley Olivia Nelson writes about a part of loss that often goes unnamed: the way it can change your sense of self. This book is for anyone asking, “Who am I now?” after grief, change, or survival.

Rather than treating healing as a return to who you were before, Nelson frames identity as something you can slowly rebuild. Through her “Five Roots” framework, she explores the patterns we adopt to survive, the truths we begin to trust, the guilt and stories we set down, and the new self that starts to emerge.

What makes this book stand out is its gentleness. It does not ask you to fix yourself after loss. It invites you to witness who you are becoming.

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Coming Monday: Distress tolerance and the skills that help you survive emotional crises without making them worse, because the goal isn't eliminating pain, it's enduring it safely until you can address it more effectively.

Researched and edited by Natasha. Designed with love by Kaye.

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