Identity Beats Willpower

If you've ever set a goal in January and abandoned it by March, taking a look at your approach may be worth looking at. Today, we're looking at why motivation dies fast and how sleep debt hijacks your attention.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬 Science Spotlight: Sleep loss forces focus shutdowns…
🗣 Therapist Corner: Goals stick when identity fits…
📰 Mental Health News: ICU walks help; gaming risk…
🫂 Community Voices: My mom had anxiety too…

Let's find the boundaried thing you need to say:

This week, what boundary did you almost set but didn't? What stopped you, and what would you need to feel brave enough to try it next time? Sometimes the script you need isn't perfect or confident. Sometimes it's just "I'm still learning to say this, but..." That counts. That's enough.

The right goal framing makes change feel possible instead of overwhelming. Which approach feels most believable to you?

When You Feel… Therapist-Inspired Action Guide

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It happens every year—you set up some goals for the New Year and end up defaulting on them. You want to make a change or get better, yet somehow the finish line never gets closer or ends up fading into the background.

It's easy to beat yourself up over it or give up and just accept that it will never happen for you no matter how much you try. However, there are many factors that comprise habit changes, and by introducing awareness to patterns and understanding some basic neuroscience, it's very possible to set yourself up for success.

Why New Year's Goals Feel So Motivating (At First)

Repetitive points in time, such as New Year, birthdays, and anniversaries, create natural breaks in routine that shake us out of autopilot and have us reassess our current life. The end of the year is a time of reflection where people feel hopeful about fresh starts and are excited about personal goals and new desires.

It's easy to get wrapped up in the hype of "new year, new me," but the feelings of motivation and inspiration typically only last around two weeks. Needless to say, relying on feelings that are fleeting and momentary is not a sustainable way to carry out any lasting changes.

Your Brain Loves Familiarity

The very first rule about the brain is that it loves familiarity. Your identity is shaped by what you do often, which eventually becomes automated. It is how you show up without having to think about it. In essence, you are what you repeat. The more you do something, the more ingrained it becomes, the bigger part of you it then is. Many people say they value certain things, but it's their daily actions that actually reveal who they are.

Why Goals Fall Through

The reason goals fall through for so many people is because they are too far removed from their current identity, so the brain doesn't really know how to integrate this new information. For example, people like to think they'll lose weight by the summer and be shredded, but a bodybuilder has a very different identity than the sedentary person. The daily actions and habits that allow a person to be fit are very different from those of a person that doesn't focus on health.

The bodybuilder doesn't have to think about fitness; it is simply an automated lifestyle that is a regular part of their schedule. The sedentary person who is not used to exercising often or eating healthy has to do a lot more work to establish a new routine and figure out new systems. It's too far of a jump for the brain to successfully incorporate without resistance. It feels too hard and is too much of a change.

The Identity-Based Approach

Instead, create a goal that is more believable or one that feels neutral instead of impossible. By saying "I am a person that exercises every day" as opposed to "I want to lose 20 pounds," you are reaffirming a new identity without adding as much pressure to the outcome.

The same goes for any area in life. "I am a person that invests" is much more manageable than "I want to be a millionaire" because no matter how small the progress or input, it's still believable enough for the brain to start incorporating it.

"I am a person that practices relationship polarity" instead of "I want to have the perfect partner" slowly retrains the brain without overwhelming it all at once. Reframing your goals into an identity lets you build up a foundation without needing to rely on motivation.

Your Next Step

What is one goal you have that you can chunk down into daily, actionable habits that feels realistic enough to repeat often?

Klaudia Barlikova, BSc, MSc, is a mental, emotional, and spiritual health professional who focuses on inner work and self-actualization. She provides insight and support for individuals struggling with personal joy, peace, purpose fulfillment, existential questions, goal realization, and the core pillars in life. Rooted in both science and spirituality, her results-based approaches help people create lasting success in life and find contentment in it. Connect with Klaudia on LinkedIn at linkedin.com/in/klaudia-b-4334a2115 or reach out at [email protected]

It's Back (One Last Time)

Remember the Boundaries & People-Pleasing Recovery Bundle we launched over the holidays?

We're reopening it — but this is truly the final call.

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When You're Exhausted, Your Brain Chooses Clean Up Over Paying Attention

The Research: Researchers had 26 volunteers complete attention tests twice, once after sleep deprivation and once well-rested, while tracking brain activity, cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) movement, blood oxygen, heart rate, breathing, and pupil size.

The study discovered that when sleep-deprived people experienced attention lapses, CSF moved outward from the brain and then flowed back in once attention returned. This fluid movement normally happens during sleep to flush out waste that accumulates during waking hours.

Why It Matters: When you're sleep-deprived, and your mind drifts, it's not just fatigue or lack of willpower. Your brain is literally choosing self-maintenance over focus. The brain needs to clean itself, and if you won't give it time to do that during sleep, it will force these cleaning cycles during wakefulness, temporarily sacrificing your attention each time.

Try It Today: If you're operating on insufficient sleep and notice your attention wandering, recognize that your brain is trying to restore function. These are your brain's desperate attempt to perform essential maintenance. The solution isn't to push harder; it's to acknowledge that your brain is compromised and adjust expectations accordingly.

When sleep-deprived, avoid tasks requiring sustained attention or quick reactions. If you must function on little sleep, build in extra time, double-check work, and create systems that catch errors.

I can silence self-doubt through action instead of waiting for confidence to arrive first. The voice that says I can't is quieted by doing it anyway, not by believing it.

Think of one thing you tried despite being certain you'd fail. That attempt, regardless of outcome, proved the doubting voice wrong just by your willingness to begin.

It's okay to start before you feel ready. Confidence doesn't come before action; it comes from taking action despite fear.

Identify one thing that voice of doubt tells you you can't do. Today, do it anyway, even badly, even for two minutes. Don't aim for good. Aim for done. The doing itself is what silences the voice.

"I Found Out My Mom Struggled With the Same Things I Do."

Shared by Nora

I've had anxiety my whole life. Panic attacks since middle school, constant worry, the whole thing. My mom always seemed so put together, she was always so calm, organized, never rattled. I figured I got the anxiety from my dad's side, or it was just something wrong with me.

Last Thanksgiving I had a panic attack at dinner. Nothing triggered it, it just hit out of nowhere. I excused myself to the bathroom, trying to breathe through it. My mom followed me. She didn't ask what was wrong or try to fix it. She just sat on the floor next to me and told me to breathe with her. Four counts in, hold for seven, eight counts out.

When I calmed down, she told me that this is what she did when she got them too. I never knew my mom got panic attacks. She'd never mentioned it. I'd spent years feeling defective, like I was the only one in my family dealing with this, and my mom had been quietly managing the same thing the whole time.

We talked for over an hour that night. She told me things she'd learned, mistakes she'd made, what helped and what didn't. But more than the advice, it just helped knowing I wasn't alone in this. That someone I loved and respected dealt with the same brain stuff and still built a whole life.

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Evening Reset: Notice, Write, Settle

Picture a painter standing before a blank canvas, paralyzed by an internal voice insisting they have no talent, that they'll embarrass themselves, that they should quit before they start. The voice grows louder with each moment of hesitation. Then the painter picks up the brush and makes one stroke. The voice quiets. Another stroke. The voice fades further. By the end, the voice has nothing left to say because the evidence contradicts it. Tonight you can recognize that doubt thrives in inaction and dies in doing.

Spend three minutes writing: What has the voice of self-doubt been telling me I can't do, and what would happen if I did it anyway, not to prove anything, but just to silence the voice through action?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: Where did doubt stop me today? What would I have attempted if that voice weren't so loud? How can I practice doing the thing tomorrow, not perfectly, just doing it despite what the voice says?

"If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." — Vincent van Gogh

Self-doubt dissolves in action; stop arguing with the voice and start proving it wrong by doing.

Video: How to Achieve Your Goals | The Science of Well-Being

Watch: How to Achieve Your Goals | The Science of Well-Being

Yale psychologist Laurie Santos reveals why positive thinking alone doesn't work for achieving goals. You need the obstacle part too. The breakthrough technique is WOOP (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan), which combines visualizing how amazing your goal will feel AND identifying what might get in your way. Visualizing only the positive makes you feel good without progress, while dwelling only on obstacles paralyzes you. But when you do both, you create an if-then plan that bypasses willpower and works automatically.

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Coming Monday: Why harsh self-talk isn't your personality but a protector that developed to keep you safe, and how compassionate self-talk begins with awareness, not correction.

Researched and edited by Natasha. Designed with love by Kaye.

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*The Daily Wellness shares educational content only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice and diagnosis. Please consult a licensed provider for personalized care.