Laughter After Loss

Many people assume grief should soften over time or remain consistent. In reality, it fluctuates daily, often colliding with moments of joy in uncomfortable ways. Today’s edition explores the psychology of that collision and why guilt around happiness is one of grief’s most misunderstood effects.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬 Science Spotlight: Why small joys protect…
🗣 Therapist Corner: Joy guilt in grief…
📰 Mental Health News: US mental health dips; UK reforms…
🫂Community Voices: Loneliness quietly lifts…

Let's acknowledge what absence is making itself known:

What absence are you most aware of as this week ends? The way things used to be? Someone's laughter? The energy you once had? You can honor it this weekend by resting in the ache instead of distracting from it, knowing that grief is just love with nowhere to go.

Grief doesn't just disappear; it builds until we find ways to release it. What works best for you?

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Answered by: Kim Noll, Registered Provisional Psychologist

Grief is strange and unexpected. It can take a moment that should feel comforting or light and twist it into something sharp. You laugh at something small, maybe even by accident, and suddenly a wave of guilt hits. You may think to yourself: How can I laugh right now? How can I feel something good when they're gone?

If you've ever had that sting, that jolt of guilt, that feeling that you've done something wrong just by feeling okay for a second, you're not alone. Many people feel this way and rarely talk about it. It feels too tender, too confusing, too heavy to put into words. And during the holidays, when sadness and joy bump into each other constantly, it's even more common.

Why Joy Feels Like Betrayal When You're Grieving

Grief can convince you that sadness is the only "right" emotion. It creates this unspoken rule that if you're not hurting all the time, then maybe you didn't love the person enough. Or that if you let yourself smile, people might think you're "moving on."

When something makes you laugh, it can feel like you've crossed a line. Like you're disrespecting their memory. Like the part of you that's been clinging to the pain is slipping, and maybe that means you're forgetting them.

Here is what I want you to remember: those thoughts aren't logical. They're human. They come from love. They come from missing someone so deeply that even your joy feels complicated.

Grief Doesn't Replace Joy, and Joy Doesn't Replace Grief

One of the hardest parts of grief is that it doesn't let you stick to one feeling at a time, or give you a sequence you can prepare for. You can be watching a holiday movie and feel a little warmth… and then grief hits you out of nowhere. You can laugh with a friend and still feel that heaviness sitting quietly underneath.

Emotions overlap. They don't take turns.
Joy doesn't erase grief. Grief doesn't forbid joy.

They can, and often do, coexist, even when you wish they wouldn't.

A moment of happiness isn't proof that you're forgetting. It's not a sign that the chapter is closed, or that your love for them is fading. It's simply your heart doing what hearts do—feeling whatever comes up in that moment.

The Belief That Staying Sad Honors Them

A lot of people carry this quiet belief that staying in pain somehow proves their love. That if they stop hurting, even for a second, they're letting go.

But staying in the darkness of grief isn't the tribute we think it is. Missing someone doesn't require you to suffer endlessly.

And if you think about the person you lost—of their love, personality, and the impact they had on you—would you believe they'd want you to lose your smile to honor them?

You Don't Have to Choose Between Grief and Joy

You're allowed to laugh. You're allowed to feel warmth, even if it catches you off guard.

Those moments don't erase your grief; they help you survive it. They help you find your way forward, even if slowly. Joy isn't letting go. It's a sign that you're still here, still living, still feeling.

Kim Noll is a registered provisional psychologist who specializes in supporting individuals and parents through pregnancy loss, infant and child loss, infertility, and the complex emotional realities of parenting. She offers a safe, gentle space where grief, uncertainty, and overwhelm are met with deep understanding and compassion. Kim's work is grounded in relational, client-centered care—supporting people as they make sense of their experiences, honor their losses, reconnect with their inner strength, and move forward in ways that feel meaningful and sustainable. Learn more at shellyqualtieri.ca/kim-noll

After Losing Someone, Daily Uplifts Matter Most on Days You Feel Old

The Research: Psychologists studied 440 adults aged 50-85 through a 14-day daily diary and discovered that people who experienced traumatic loss benefit most from daily uplifts, simple positive activities like getting enough sleep, completing tasks, or spending time with family, specifically on days when they feel subjectively older than their chronological age. The study found that 81% of participants had experienced at least one traumatic loss.

The pattern was striking: for people who hadn't experienced traumatic loss, daily uplifts reduced negative emotions regardless of how old they felt. But for those who had lost someone, uplifts were particularly powerful on days when they felt older, precisely the days when grief seemed to weigh heaviest. The researchers measured felt age by asking, "How old did you feel in the past 24 hours?" and found it fluctuated significantly from day to day.

Why It Matters: This research reveals that grief doesn't just linger in the background; it actively shapes daily emotional experiences, especially through the lens of subjective age. When you've lost someone, certain days make you feel older, possibly because the loss serves as a stark reminder of mortality and the passage of time. On those particular days, engaging in uplifting activities, things as simple as relating well with friends, eating out, or getting adequate sleep, appear to provide crucial emotional protection.

Try It Today: If you've lost someone important to you, pay attention to days when you feel older than usual, when your body feels heavier, or time feels more finite. On those specific days, prioritize uplifts intentionally. Call a friend, complete a manageable task, spend time with family, or get proper sleep. These aren't distractions from grief, they're protective factors that help you function through difficult days.

I can honor my grief as evidence of love that still lives in me. What I'm mourning isn't just loss; it's the continuation of care that has nowhere to land.

Think of one person or thing you've lost whose absence still hurts. That pain is proof of how deeply you loved, and that love doesn't disappear just because they did.

It's okay to still be grieving something or someone from your past. Love doesn't stop on command, and grief is just love continuing in a different form.

Think of someone or something you've lost. Instead of pushing the sadness away, acknowledge it as love. Say out loud or silently: "This grief is love that still lives in me. I'm allowed to feel it." Let yourself honor the connection that remains.

"I Didn't Realize How Lonely I Was Until I Wasn't Anymore"

Shared by Riley

I thought I was fine being alone. I had my routine. Weekends by myself. I'd convinced myself I was just introverted and didn't need much social interaction. This was just how I liked things. Then my coworker invited me to her book club. I almost said no automatically, but something made me say yes instead.

Sitting in her living room with six other people, talking about a book we'd all read, I felt something I didn't recognize at first. It took me until I got home to figure out what it was. I felt lighter. Less heavy. My chest wasn't as tight as it usually was.

That's when I realized I'd been lonely for so long that I'd stopped recognizing the feeling. I thought the constant low-level ache was just normal. That the weight in my chest was just how life felt. I'd adjusted to it the same way you adjust to chronic pain, like you forget what it's like to not hurt.

I started going to book club every month. The loneliness didn't disappear overnight, but now I could actually identify it. And more importantly, I knew what the opposite felt like. You can get so used to feeling a certain way that you forget it's not supposed to feel like that. Sometimes it takes one good moment to show you what you've been missing.

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Evening Reset: Notice, Write, Settle

Picture a river that once flowed freely between two banks. When a dam appears, the water doesn't disappear. It pools, it builds, it searches for another way through. Your grief is that pooled water: love that used to flow toward someone and now has nowhere to go. It gathers in your chest, your throat, your eyes. Tonight you can recognize that the pressure you feel isn't weakness. It's love with no outlet, and that's one of the most human things there is.

Spend three minutes writing: Who or what am I still grieving, and how can I honor that this pain is actually love that continues even though its recipient is gone?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: Where did grief visit me today? How can I be gentler with myself, knowing it's just love trying to find expression? What would it mean to let myself feel this without shame?

"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." — Jamie Anderson

Your grief isn't a flaw; it's proof that you loved fully and still do.

Book: Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown

Read: Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown

Brené Brown maps out 87 distinct human emotions because she knows that when you can't name what you're feeling, you're essentially lost without a compass. Most of us operate with a shockingly limited emotional vocabulary, defaulting to "fine," "stressed," or "upset," which leaves us unable to process what's actually happening inside us or communicate it to others. By expanding your emotional vocabulary from a handful of words to dozens of precise terms, you gain the ability to regulate your feelings, set boundaries, and connect authentically with others instead of fumbling through life's most intense moments without the words to make sense of them.

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