Reduce Holiday Pressure

Between upcoming Black Friday deals and perfectly styled holiday content, the season often turns into a silent competition over who planned better or gave more. Today's edition explores how this comparison cycle affects your nervous system, and how to reclaim a holiday that feels real, not performative.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬 Science Spotlight: Why Black Friday shifts your brain into urgency mode…
🗣 Therapist Corner: Breaking the perfection trap around holiday expectations…
📰 Mental Health News: Student distress trends and performance pressure insight…
🫂 Community Voices: Releasing grudges that quietly drain emotional energy…

Let's check in with your breathing and what it's telling you:

Notice how you're breathing as this week ends. Is it the long exhale of finally done, still shallow from pushing through, or deepening with gratitude? Your Friday breath holds the week's story. Long exhales release what you carried, shallow breath needs gentle recovery, deep grateful breath means you're exactly where you need to be.

Beneath all the holiday pressure, what's the core reason the season matters to you?

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The Perfectionism Trap: Comparing Your Holidays to the "Perfect" Gift-Giving Season

Answered by: Eleni Paris, LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist); Founder/Owner of Eleni Paris, LMFT, LLC

As we enter the holiday season, hearing about Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals, noticing stores already displaying Christmas and various holiday decor, you may notice yourself feeling a bit anxious. Perhaps these thoughts sound familiar (even as early as October!):

"They are already decorating the mall for the holidays?"

"Social media is already buzzing with Black Friday sales ads?"

From there, your mind may start racing: When should I start shopping? How am I going to do things differently this year? Will I actually stick to the plan I promised myself last year? You may catch yourself feeling like you're not doing enough, not giving enough, or simply not enough.

Before you can catch your breath, the pressure builds, and you fall into the perfectionism trap. Suddenly, you're comparing yourself to those perfectly curated social media posts where everyone seems organized, joyful, and holiday-ready, complete with matching outfits, beautifully wrapped gifts, and a big, picture-perfect smile.

You're Not Alone

First, please remember this: you are not alone, and the pressure you're feeling is very real. It's common and completely normal. Holiday ads and decor have been creeping up earlier and earlier each year, and now with social media, we see endless examples of how others claim to do it "right." While these posts can be inspiring, they can also intensify the pressure we put on ourselves.

Why We Fall Into the Perfectionism Trap

Even knowing all of this, you may still wonder why you fall into the perfectionism trap. Perfectionism often appears as a way to protect ourselves—protecting us from disappointment, helping us feel competent, or giving us something to control when other parts of life feel unsteady. It's easy to focus on creating the "perfect" holiday when relationships feel strained, health feels uncertain, or loss (big or small) is showing up in our lives.

Redirecting Your Energy

Here's the encouraging part: you can use that desire for control in a healthier way, by redirecting your energy toward what truly matters to you. You don't have to keep up with anything you see or read. Instead, consider reflecting on questions like:

This season is meant to invite peace and joy. Although it's normal to get swept up in the busyness of it all, I hope you find ways to create more of that peace and joy for yourself and your loved ones. When you reconnect with what really matters, you give yourself permission to experience a well-deserved, warm, and meaningful holiday season.

Eleni Paris is a licensed marriage and family therapist dedicated to helping individuals, couples, and families build stronger, healthy, and more respectful relationships. She blends narrative, solution-focused, and emotionally-focused approaches with a compassionate, strengths-based perspective to support meaningful growth and connection.

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Why Black Friday Turns You Into a Different Kind of Shopper

The Research: A review examined the psychological forces behind Black Friday, revealing that the shopping frenzy isn't just about deals; the occasion is a carefully engineered phenomenon that taps into deep psychological triggers. Black Friday has evolved into a weeks-long global spectacle driven by strategic marketing that deliberately creates urgency, scarcity, and social pressure.

Retailers intentionally foster "Fear of Missing Out" through limited-time offers, transforming ordinary shopping into high-stakes competition. The cultural narrative around gift-giving positions Black Friday as the ideal moment to express love through material goods.

Why It Matters: Black Friday hijacks multiple psychological vulnerabilities simultaneously. The combination of scarcity, social comparison, and the dopamine hit of "saving money" overrides rational decision-making. Understanding these tactics matters because artificial scarcity and time pressure also shape online shopping and subscription services. When you can see the machinery behind the urgency, you gain power over your response.

Try It Today: Before engaging with any major sale, ask yourself: Am I buying this because I need it, or because the marketing is designed to make me feel like I need it right now? Create a 24-hour rule for purchases over a certain amount.

If you do shop on Black Friday, make a list beforehand of what you actually need and set a firm budget. The goal isn't to avoid all deals, but to prevent the machinery from turning you into a different kind of shopper than you intended to be.

I can offer what I have without worrying about what I lack. Generosity isn't measured by bank accounts; it's measured by willingness to share what's already in my hands.

Think of one non-material gift someone gave you that changed your day or your perspective. That generosity cost them nothing financially but meant everything to you.

It's okay if you can't give anything material to your loved ones right now. Your time, your attention, your encouragement, and your presence are just as valuable.

Give one thing today that costs nothing materially: your full attention in a conversation, a genuine compliment, five minutes helping someone, or a smile to a stranger who looks like they need it. Notice how giving what you already have creates abundance rather than depletion.

"I Realized I Was Holding Grudges Against People Who'd Already Moved On"

Shared by Lauren, 33

I've been mad at my high school friend group for like fifteen years. They left me out of plans senior year, and I never really got over it. I'd see their photos pop up on social media and feel that same anger all over again.

Then last month, I ran into one of them at Target. I was ready for it to be awkward, but she literally lit up when she saw me. Gave me a huge hug, asked about my life, said we should grab coffee soon. She seemed genuinely happy to see me.

I left feeling so confused. This person I'd been resenting for over a decade clearly wasn't walking around thinking about how she'd wronged me. She'd probably forgotten the whole thing years ago.

That's when it hit me, I was the only one still carrying this. I'd been having imaginary arguments with these people in my head while they were just living their lives, not thinking about me at all. I don't even know if I want to be friends with them again. But I'm tired of giving them free rent in my brain for something they don't even remember doing. The grudge was only hurting me.

Share Your Story

Have a mental health journey you'd like to share with our community? Reply back to this email. All submissions are anonymized and edited for length with your approval before publication. Each published story receives a $10 donation to the mental health charity of your choice.

Picture a fountain continuously flowing. The water it gives doesn't come from a limited reservoir; it comes from a source that keeps replenishing. Your capacity to give works the same way when you're offering from what naturally renews: attention, kindness, time, encouragement. These aren't finite resources you deplete. They're renewable gifts that circulate and multiply when you let them flow.

Spend three minutes writing: What do I have in abundance right now that I could share more freely, and what stops me from giving what costs me nothing to offer?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: What did I give today that wasn't material? Where did I hold back something I could have easily offered? How can I be more generous tomorrow with the intangible gifts I possess?

"Money is not the only commodity that is fun to give. We can give time, we can give our expertise, we can give our love, or simply give a smile. What does that cost? The point is, none of us can ever run out of something worthwhile to give." — Steve Goodier

The most valuable things you can give away are the ones that never run out.

Article: "What Happens in Your Brain When You Give a Gift?" (American Psychological Association)

Read: "What Happens in Your Brain When You Give a Gift?"

Gift-giving activates reward pathways in your brain and releases dopamine (pleasure) and oxytocin (trust and connection), creating what researchers call the "warm glow." A University of Zurich study found that people who spent money on others reported higher happiness levels than those who spent it on themselves. However, holiday stress negates these benefits. Feeling obligated to give when you can't afford it triggers brain regions associated with psychological distress rather than pleasure. The key is giving thoughtfully within your means while savoring the experience.

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