Reparenting Starts Here

Not every relationship feels emotionally safe, even if it looks “fine” on paper. Today, we’re naming what safety actually feels like, why unmet needs follow us forward, and how to create a steadier inner home.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬Science Spotlight: Variety builds elite performers…
🛠️ Tool of The Week: Update the memory loop…
🗣 Therapist Corner: What was missing still matters…
🙏 Daily Practice: Anchor yourself in uncertainty…

Let's check in on who feels emotionally safe to you:

Who feels emotionally safe to you right now? Not perfect, just safe enough to be honest without putting on a performance or protecting yourself constantly. What makes them feel different from everyone else?

True emotional safety means you can be real without protecting yourself constantly. What creates that for you?

Therapy Practice Cheat Sheet

Unlock a deeper understanding of your emotional world with this free Therapy Practice Cheat Sheet, designed to help you build clarity, regulate your feelings, and create healthier patterns in your daily life. Download it now and experience how small, guided steps can make your path to emotional well-being clearer, calmer, and more supported.

Reparenting and the Needs That Went Unmet

Answered by: Jacqui Parkin, MBACP (Accred)

Question: I've reached adulthood and life looks functional, even successful, but underneath there's a constant hum of emotional hunger, self-doubt, and tiredness that doesn't quite add up. Nothing obviously traumatic happened in my childhood, but I have this quiet sense that something essential was missing. How do I figure out what I didn't get and how to give it to myself now?

When Something Was Missing

Many people reach adulthood with a quiet sense that something's off. Life might look functional or even successful, yet underneath there's a low-level hum of emotional hunger, self-doubt, or tiredness that doesn't quite add up. Often this isn't because something obviously traumatic happened, but because something essential quietly didn't.

Reparenting yourself is the practice of giving yourself now what you didn't reliably receive then. It's not about blaming your parents or putting your childhood on trial. It's about being honest, without cruelty, that some needs weren't met and choosing to relate to yourself differently because of that.

What Reparenting Really Means

At its core, reparenting is about becoming your own secure base. A secure caregiver notices distress, stays steady, and helps a child understand what's happening inside them. When we didn't have that consistently, we adapted. We learned to minimise our feelings, grow up fast, stay alert, or decide that needing support was a burden. Those strategies often helped us cope. Reparenting is the slow, sometimes awkward process of realising we don't need them in the same way anymore.

The Needs That Often Went Unmet

Many childhood gaps are subtle. Some people grew up without emotional validation and learned to second-guess themselves. Others lacked safety or predictability, which can later show up as anxiety, control, or a constant sense of bracing. Some experienced neglect rather than obvious harm—everything looked "fine," but no one was really there. Others had loving parents who simply didn't have the emotional capacity they needed. All of these experiences matter.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Reparenting usually starts with noticing. We often become aware of what was missing when adult life presses on old wounds. A partner doesn't text back and panic flares. A small mistake brings a wave of shame that feels wildly out of proportion. Instead of asking, "What's wrong with me?" we can ask, "What does this part of me need right now?"

In practice, this might mean catching an inner voice that's sharp or dismissive and gently shifting it. It might mean stopping when you're overwhelmed instead of pushing through and paying for it later. These moments aren't dramatic, but they matter. They tell your nervous system that someone is finally paying attention.

Care, Boundaries, and Inner Child Work

A healthy parent doesn't just soothe—they also protect. Reparenting includes setting boundaries, resting when you're worn down, eating properly, or going to the doctor even when you really don't want to. These acts aren't glamorous, but they're stabilising.

Inner child work doesn't need to be theatrical—you don't have to visualise younger versions of yourself if that makes you cringe. It can be as simple as noticing when a reaction feels younger than your age and responding with patience rather than judgement.

Perfectly Imperfect

This work isn't neat or linear. The nervous system learns safety slowly and often awkwardly, with the occasional regression that feels frustrating. Some days you'll feel grounded and capable; other days you'll wonder why you're still struggling. That doesn't mean you're failing.

Reparenting isn't about becoming perfectly healed or calm. It's about building an internal relationship that's kinder, steadier, and more reliable over time. The work is ongoing, deeply reparative, and happens in every small moment of showing up for yourself.

Jacqui Parkin is an accredited online Psychotherapist/Counsellor and Therapeutic Coach with over eighteen years' experience supporting women through change and growth. Known for her warmth, humour, and grounding presence, she writes about emotional wellbeing with compassion, honesty, and a deep understanding of the messy realities of being human. Find her through the following links:

Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/jacqui-parkin-york/905222
Website: jacquiparkin.com
Facebook: facebook.com/groups/sistersevolving

Your Body Is Still Carrying What Your Mind Already "Moved On" From

Your body keeps score of every moment it didn't feel safe. Your people-pleasing kept you surviving — but surviving isn't living. These two toolkits were built to help you finally break free.

🧠 Nervous System Regulation Bundle (28 Resources)

✅ Clinically reviewed & evidence-based ✅ Instant download — on your screen in minutes ✅ One-time payment, lifetime access ✅ No subscriptions, no hidden fees

🤝 Boundaries & People-Pleasing Bundle (26 Resources)

✅ Clinically reviewed & evidence-based ✅ Instant download — on your screen in minutes ✅ One-time payment, lifetime access ✅ No subscriptions, no hidden fees

Update the Memory

What it is: Update the Memory is a technique for reducing the emotional charge of old, painful memories by adding present-day context when they resurface.

Why it works: Every time you recall a memory, it becomes briefly changeable before your brain stores it again, a process called memory reconsolidation. In that moment, new information can be integrated into how the memory is filed. You're not rewriting what happened; you're helping your brain understand that the past event is complete and that you're no longer the same person who lived through it.

How to practice it: When an old memory pops up with its familiar sting, pause and add context: "I was nineteen then. I'm thirty-four now." "I didn't have boundaries back then. I do now." "I survived that. It didn't destroy me." You're not denying that it was hard or pretending it didn't hurt; you're simply reminding your brain that the threat is over and you've grown since then.

When to use it: Perfect for memories that make you cringe, old shame that still feels fresh, past versions of yourself you judge harshly, or anytime you find yourself stuck replaying something painful from the past.

Pro tip: This isn't about forcing yourself to feel better or grateful for what happened. You're simply adding truth to the memory: the truth of time passing, growth happening, and the situation being complete.

Important note: This tool is for everyday difficult memories, not for processing severe trauma without professional support. If memories feel overwhelming or retraumatizing, work with a therapist who can guide you safely.

The Surprising Path to World-Class Performance

The Research: An international research team published a major review analyzing the developmental paths of 34,839 elite performers across four domains: Nobel Prize-winning scientists, Olympic medalists, top classical music composers, and elite chess players.

The findings challenge decades of assumptions about talent development. Three clear patterns emerged: First, individuals who stood out as the best performers at young ages were usually not the same people who became the best later in life. Second, those who eventually reached the highest levels tended to improve gradually during their early years and were not top performers within their age group. Third, future world-class achievers typically explored multiple activities rather than specializing early in a single discipline.

Why It Matters: This research upends the dominant model that has shaped gifted education and talent programs for decades. The traditional approach assumes that outstanding achievement depends on identifying strong early performers and providing years of intense, discipline-focused training. The evidence shows this approach may actively work against developing world-class performers.

Try It Today: If you're raising or teaching young people who show talent in a particular area, resist the pressure to narrow their focus too early. The evidence is clear: variety builds stronger performers than early specialization.

Reframe "dabbling": When young people explore multiple interests without committing fully to any single one, adults often worry they're not serious enough. But gradual improvement across multiple areas, rather than being the standout star in one, is exactly the developmental path that tends to produce world-class performers.

I can build internal steadiness instead of waiting for external circumstances to stabilize. The ground I'm looking for exists within me, not around me.

Think of one moment when everything around you was chaotic but you managed to stay centered. That calm came from inside you, not from your circumstances improving.

It's okay if the world feels unstable. You can't control external chaos, but you can cultivate internal stability that holds you steady regardless.

When you feel shaken by something outside your control today, pause and take three deep breaths. Remind yourself: "The world is uncertain, but I can be steady within it." Practice finding your center when everything else is moving.

Evening Reset: Notice, Write, Settle

Picture a lighthouse standing on a rocky coast. Storms rage around it, waves crash against its foundation, and wind tears at its structure. But inside, the light remains steady because the lighthouse was built to withstand what surrounds it. It doesn't wait for calm seas to function. Tonight, you can recognize that you are that lighthouse. The stability you need can't come from controlling the storm. It has to be built into your foundation so you can stand steady no matter what weather arrives.

Spend three minutes writing: Where have I been waiting for external circumstances to stabilize before I can feel steady, and what would it mean to build that stability internally instead?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: What external chaos shook me today? Where did I find internal stability despite it? How can I strengthen that internal ground tomorrow so I'm less dependent on the world being calm?

"The stability we cannot find in the world, we must create within our own persons." — Nathaniel Branden

The world will stay unpredictable; your stability has to come from within, not from waiting for stillness.

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Coming Tuesday: What to say when you shut down emotionally around certain family members for self-protection, and how to explain that going flat isn't coldness but a nervous system response to past experiences that made vulnerability unsafe.

Researched and edited by Natasha. Designed with love by Kaye.

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*The Daily Wellness shares educational content only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice and diagnosis. Please consult a licensed provider for personalized care.