Rethink Holiday Ideals

The holidays often arrive with a script: how things should look, feel, and unfold. When real life doesn’t match that script, stress fills the gap. Today’s expert contribution to our holiday series focuses on identifying those expectation traps at work, in families, and internally, and practicing a more grounded, realistic way of moving through this season.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬 Science Spotlight: Ancient stress, modern overload…
🗣 Therapist Corner: Releasing harmful “should” thinking…
📰 Mental Health News: State AG warning and mental health funding gaps…
🫂Community Voices: Being noticed changes everything…

Let's see what you're carrying and what you can set down:

What have you been carrying all week that's ready to be released? The stress of unmet expectations? The mental load of coordinating everything? What gets to be set down now? Work that can wait until Monday, the need to be productive this weekend, or the voice saying you didn't do enough.

We all carry 'shoulds' that stress us out without factoring in reality. Which one weighs on you most?

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Answered by: Zachary L. Covington, LPC-A

The kids are tucked in bed, nice and cozy, their limited dreams imagining only half of what awaits them on Christmas morning.

As the chestnuts roast, you and your partner sit down in front of an open fire and enjoy a glass of eggnog while joking about which in-laws are going to be late and how much fun this season has been. And December 25th, the grand finale, will be a day that goes in the history books for your family. Ode to joy! Right?

Maybe. According to 2023 research done by the American Psychological Association, 89% of U.S. adults feel stressed during the holiday season, and 41% of those stated that their stress levels increased specifically during the holiday season. Because, realistically, that PS5 your kid wanted wasn't in the budget this year, with the HVAC system having to be fixed.

The truth is, the holidays are different for everyone. Some of us are dealing with mental health issues, financial struggles, and losses of loved ones, and these pressures have a major impact on how these "joyous moments" are experienced.

This Is Not the Movies

I did some research. According to collider.com, the longest-running biopic ever created was a 1927 silent film by Abel Gance titled Napoleon. This film had an original run time of 5 hours and 30 minutes. Napoleon died at age 51. That's estimated to be about 447,066 hours. Second on the list was The Greatest Story Ever Told, a film about the life and times of Jesus Christ, coming in at 4 hours and 20 minutes. He lived to about 289,278 hours old, more or less.

Get the point? Let me explain. Media thrives on highlights. Commercials often show happy families, zero conflict, food in abundance, and gifts galore. Holiday movies and shows also minimize conflict, grief, and trauma, and when they do highlight it, it's only to make the comeback story more impressive.

Social media has become the ultimate tool of comparison. Posts are selective—posted at a specific time of the day, with specific lighting, and 20 different pictures are taken to capture a specific smile.

All of these sources of entertainment increase our anxiety ("I need to hide how I really feel"), shame ("My life is not comparable"), and self-judgment ("I'm failing at the holidays"). It makes us hold on to a false narrative of how we should be during the holidays.

Should You? Really?

"Should" statements in the field of psychology and counseling are a cognitive distorting nuisance. These statements may sound like:

"I should be more happy during this time." "I should have gotten my son that bike he wanted." "I should be in a totally different space in life right now."

The problem with these statements is that they impose unrealistic standards on your life without factoring in real life events. And when your internal expectations get too high, your nervous system goes into performance mode, creating feelings of stress and anxiety.

Replace "Should" with "Would"

Next time those anxiety-stricken statements begin to creep up, I want you to try this. Replace your "should" statements with "would" statements. Not for excuses, but for reality. Let's try it with the examples from earlier:

"I would be more happy during this time, but I lost my uncle a month ago and I am still grieving his death. It's fair to not feel my best, even though it's the holidays."

"I would have gotten my son that bike he wanted, but money is tight right now and I will feel like a much better parent if I paid the bills and he is well fed."

"I would be in a totally different space in life right now, but in reality, I wasted a lot of my young adult years and I have to lay in the bed I made. I have made tremendous strides since then, and have a lot more left in me!"

Changing the wording is the easy part. The real task is giving yourself permission to feel however it is you feel. If you know that you would be happy but you are mourning, stressed, or anxious, give yourself space to feel those feelings. Communicate with loved ones about the reality of your current situation.

Give. Yourself. Permission. To. Feel.

Remember—those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

During this season, gift yourself the grace of authenticity. Whether your holiday season is joyous or not so joyous, allow yourself to feel it fully. I wish you the best!

Zachary L. Covington is an LPC-A, certified life coach, and Mental Health Specialist for the school system, specializing in attachment, emotional wellness, and trauma-informed personal development. As the founder of Compassionate Coaching and GerLane Ventures, he supports individuals and organizations through coaching, workshops, and resilience-focused programs. His work spans youth mentorship, emotional wellness initiatives, and helping adults break long-standing patterns to build healthier, more empowered lives. Reach him at [email protected] or through his LinkedIn profile here.

Your Body Still Thinks Every Stressor Is a Predator, And It's Making You Sick

The Research: Evolutionary anthropologists analyzed how human biology is fundamentally mismatched with modern industrial environments. Their work shows that humans evolved for hundreds of thousands of years to handle the demands of hunter-gatherer life, frequent movement, short bursts of intense stress, and daily nature exposure. Industrialization changed all of this within just a few centuries.

The critical mismatch lies in how our stress response system operates. In ancestral environments, humans faced acute stressors like predators, threats that required immediate action but then disappeared.

Modern stressors like traffic, workplace pressure, social media, persistent noise, activate the same biological pathways, but they never go away. Your body reacts as though each stressor is a predator, like a lion, facing "lion after lion" with no recovery period.

Why It Matters: This reveals why so many people feel chronically stressed despite living in comfortable conditions. The problem is a biological incompatibility between your ancient physiology and your modern environment. Your nervous system was built to handle occasional acute threats with full recovery periods in between, not constant low-grade activation from dozens of simultaneous stressors.

Try It Today: Identify which modern stressors are most relentless in your life and create recovery periods. Spend time in natural settings daily, even just in a park. Turn off notifications. Build in physical movement. Create pockets of genuine quiet. Recognize that your stress response is operating exactly as designed in an environment it was never built for.

I can experience what's actually in front of me instead of measuring it against an imaginary ideal. Freedom lives in accepting reality as it is, not as I wish it were.

Think of one moment recently when you stopped comparing what was happening to what you expected and just enjoyed it for what it was. That presence let you receive something you would have missed while judging.

It's okay to let go of how you thought things would be. Releasing the script doesn't mean settling; it means making space to see what's actually there.

Choose one experience today and approach it without expectations. Don't decide in advance whether it will be good or bad, productive or wasteful. Just show up and notice what it actually is. Let reality surprise you.

"The Friend Who Checked in Changed Everything"

Shared by Devon

I wasn't telling anyone how bad things had gotten. My job was falling apart, I'd broken up with my partner, and I was barely leaving my apartment except for work. But I was still posting normal stuff on Instagram, still responding "I'm good!" when people asked.

Then my friend started texting me. Not big dramatic check-ins, just little things. A meme she thought I'd like. "Saw this and thought of you." "Hope you're having an okay day." She didn't push for details or ask if I was alright. She just kept showing up in my texts.

At first, I barely responded. But she didn't stop. Every few days, there'd be another message. No pressure, no demands for explanation, just consistent reminders that someone was thinking about me.

One night, I was having a particularly awful evening, and her text came through, just a stupid TikTok about nothing important. But I started crying because I realized I hadn't felt this alone in weeks, even though I'd been isolating myself the whole time.

I finally texted her back for real. Told her I'd been going through it. She didn't make a big deal out of it, just said she figured and asked if I wanted company. Sometimes the biggest help isn't someone trying to fix you. It's just someone refusing to let you disappear completely, even when you're trying to.

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Evening Reset: Notice, Write, Settle

Picture watching a sunset while mentally comparing it to the best sunset you've ever seen, judging the colors, wishing the clouds were arranged differently. You'd miss the actual beauty right in front of you. Now imagine watching the same sunset with no comparison, no judgment, just witnessing what's there. Tonight, you can practice that second way of seeing with your own life.

Spend three minutes writing: What experience or person have I been unable to enjoy because I keep measuring them against what I expected, and what would I notice if I let that comparison go?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: Where did I miss something good today because I was too busy wishing it were different? What would I have experienced if I'd released my expectations? How can I show up tomorrow with less judgment and more curiosity?

"When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be." — Mandy Hale

The prison of expectation keeps you from experiencing the freedom of what actually is.

Article: How to Avoid Falling Into the Expectations vs Reality Trap

Read: How to Avoid Falling Into the Expectations vs Reality Trap

Your Instagram feed shows everyone living their best life while you're struggling through Tuesday in sweatpants, and that gap might be stealing your happiness. Psychologist Elizabeth Scott breaks down why we're surprisingly terrible at predicting what will make us happy, often chasing goals that won't bring the joy we imagine. The real insight is understanding that our own expectations, shaped by childhood dreams and everyone else's highlight reels, create a constant hum of disappointment. Scott offers practical strategies to shift from lamenting what you don't have to savoring what's already in front of you.

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Coming Monday: The guilt of laughing during grief, and why joy feels like betrayal when you're grieving, and how moments of happiness don't erase your love or mean you're forgetting them.

Researched and edited by Natasha. Designed with love by Kaye.

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*The Daily Wellness shares educational content only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice and diagnosis. Please consult a licensed provider for personalized care.