The STOP Skill

Some moments change not because we finally solve them, but because we stop arguing with the fact that they're here.

Acceptance doesn't mean liking what happened or giving up on what matters. It means using your energy on what comes next instead of spending it wishing reality were different.

Today's edition explores how creating space before you react can change what you do next, why acceptance can calm a struggling mind, and how facing what's true is often the first step toward moving forward.

Today’s Quick Overview:

🔬 Science Spotlight: Why acceptance helps the brain recover…
🗣 Therapist Corner: The STOP skill for difficult moments…
📰 Mental Health News: Meta ruling and behavior science…
🫂 Community Voices: When self-awareness changes everything…

Let's give yourself permission to stop trying to remember everything:

This week, did you let go of something you were trying to remember? How did it feel to release that weight? You don't have to carry everything. Forgetting some things is how you focus on what matters.

Acceptance isn't one decision you make and keep forever. It's something you turn back toward every time resistance returns. How often does that resistance come back for you?

What Do I Do With This?

After something hard lands, the question isn't always "how do I fix this?" Sometimes it's just "what do I do right now?" This free guide offers four quiet options for that moment with a simple signal to help you figure out which one fits where you actually are. No right order. No wrong answer.

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Julie Callahan, LCMHCS, RPTS

The STOP Skill: Creating Space Between Impulse and Action

The STOP skill helps you prevent impulsive reactions during emotionally intense situations. It's your circuit breaker when the urge to react immediately is overwhelming.

STOP stands for four deliberate steps that create space between what you're feeling and what you do next.

S: Stop

Pause immediately. Don't react. The moment you notice an intense emotion arising, your first job is to pause. Not to fix it or understand it—just to pause. Example: Instead of responding to a hurtful comment, a person pauses and chooses not to react immediately.

T: Take a Step Back

Physically or mentally step away. Create distance. Take deep breaths and allow your emotions to settle enough that you can think.

Example: A person leaves a heated discussion for a few minutes to regain composure.

O: Observe

Notice what's happening inside you without judgment. Notice your thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. What are your fists doing? What thoughts are running through your head? What does your body feel like right now? This observation step is crucial because it creates the distance you need to choose differently.

Example: A person notices they are clenching their fists and feeling angry before deciding how to respond.

P: Proceed Mindfully

Now that you've paused, stepped back, and observed, you can choose. Consider your goals and the consequences of different actions. Choose the response that serves you and your values, not the response your intensity is demanding.

Example: Instead of arguing, a person calmly expresses their concerns after thinking through the situation.

When STOP Isn't Enough: Radical Acceptance

Sometimes what you need isn't just to pause your reaction. You need to actually accept that the painful thing happened. That's where radical acceptance comes in.

Radical acceptance means fully acknowledging reality as it is without fighting, denying, or resisting it. It doesn't mean you like what happened or that it was okay. It means you stop pouring energy into wishing it were different.

How to Practice Radical Acceptance

The process is straightforward: Identify what reality is. Notice thoughts of resistance like "this shouldn't have happened" or "this isn't fair." Acknowledge the facts without judgment. Accept the situation as it currently exists. Focus on what can be controlled moving forward.

Example: A person loses an important opportunity. Rather than repeatedly thinking, "This shouldn't have happened," they acknowledge the loss and focus on future opportunities.

Turning the Mind: Acceptance Isn't One Decision

Here's what people often miss: acceptance isn't something you do once and you're done. You'll probably need to choose acceptance over and over, especially when resistance keeps returning.

Turning the Mind is the ongoing process of choosing acceptance whenever resistance shows up again. Frustration, anger, or denial might return an hour later or a week later. That's normal. Your job is to notice it returning and gently redirect yourself toward acceptance again.

Signs Resistance Is Returning

Watch for thoughts like "this isn't fair," "this shouldn't be happening," or dwelling on how things should be different. These are signs you need to turn your mind back toward acceptance.

How to Use Turning the Mind

Notice the resistance. Acknowledge the reality underneath it. Choose acceptance again. Repeat as many times as needed.

Example: A student receives a disappointing exam grade. Each time they begin thinking, "This shouldn't have happened," they consciously redirect themselves toward accepting the grade and focusing on future improvement.

Another example: A person stuck in traffic notices growing frustration. They acknowledge they cannot change the situation and redirect their attention toward listening to music or a podcast instead.

The Integration

STOP gives you the pause. Radical Acceptance gives you the reframe. Turning the Mind gives you the repeated practice. Together, they help you move from being trapped by reality to accepting it and moving forward.

Julie Callahan is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Supervisor and Registered Play Therapist Supervisor, and owner of JLC Counseling and Consulting in Charlotte, NC. She has spent nearly thirty years working with children and has walked beside families navigating anxiety, big emotions, learning differences, neurodivergence, school struggles, family stress, and the growing pains of adolescence. Learn more at jlccounselingandconsulting.com.

Why Acceptance Can Help Your Brain Stop Fighting Reality

Read the Study

The Research: A 2025 study in Current Psychology examined Radical Acceptance, a DBT skill, against another DBT technique called Check the Facts. After asking 92 adults to think about a personally distressing event, researchers randomly assigned them to practice one of the two skills.

The Radical Acceptance group returned fully to baseline mood afterward. The Check the Facts group showed only partial recovery. Practicing Radical Acceptance also improved participants' ability to use both acceptance and cognitive reappraisal on a subsequent task, suggesting the skill transfers beyond the original distressing event.

Why It Matters: When something painful happens, the mind often keeps arguing with reality. This shouldn't have happened. This isn't fair. That response makes sense, but staying in the fight keeps your nervous system stuck.

Radical Acceptance doesn't mean approving of what happened. It means acknowledging that it happened, so your energy can shift from resisting reality to deciding what comes next. And based on this research, that shift doesn't just soothe. It makes other coping skills more available afterward.

Try It Today: When you notice yourself thinking "this shouldn't be happening," ask: "What is the reality I'm being asked to face right now?"

Then: "I don't have to like this to stop fighting the fact that it happened." Acceptance isn't one decision. Each time you turn back toward it, you create a little more space between what happened and what you choose next.

I can face what's actually true today, not to fix it immediately or make peace with it on command, but because nothing in me can begin to move until I stop looking away from what's actually there.

Think of one hard thing you finally faced instead of avoided, and what became possible on the other side of that honesty that circling around it never could have opened up.

It's okay if facing something doesn't immediately make it better. Looking clearly at what's true is its own act of courage, and it doesn't have to come with instant resolution to be worth doing.

Think of one thing you've been looking slightly away from, a situation, a feeling, a reality you keep softening or reframing. Write it down as plainly as you can, without the softening. Not to fix it. Just to face it. Notice what shifts simply from letting it be named clearly.

"I Realized I’ve Been the Problem in My Friendships"

Shared by Casey

I was venting to a friend recently about how I was always the one putting in the effort. I was going on about how people keep ghosting me, how my friendships always seem to fade out, and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Then she just looked at me and said, "You kind of do the same thing to people."

My knee-jerk reaction was to get defensive. But over the next few weeks, I actually started paying attention to my own behavior, and it hit me like a brick.

She was right. I cancel plans constantly. I’m terrible at texting back. When my friends are going through a hard time, I’m mentally checked out, but the second I’m struggling, I expect everyone to drop everything for me. Just recently, a friend was telling me about a painful breakup, and I had somehow steered the whole conversation back to my own relationship problems.

I want real connection, but I’m terrible at actually maintaining it. I’m needy when it’s convenient for me and completely distant when it’s not. Once you see a pattern like that in yourself, you can’t unsee it. But knowing I’m the problem didn't automatically change who I am.

I still want to flake on plans when my mood shifts. I still catch myself tuning out when people are talking about their lives. I know I should be more intentional and text back faster. And realizing that I see the pattern clearly might be the hardest part of all.

Share Your Story

Have a mental health journey you'd like to share with our community? Reply back to this email. All submissions are anonymized and edited for length with your approval before publication. Each published story receives a $10 donation to the mental health charity of your choice.

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Evening Reset: Notice, Write, Settle

Picture someone reading a book with one chapter skipped, jumping from the events of chapter four straight into the consequences of chapter five without knowing what happened in between. Things don't quite add up. Reactions seem to come from nowhere. Patterns feel mysterious. Going back to read the skipped chapter doesn't change what happened. It just finally explains it. Tonight, think about which chapter you've been skipping and what it might clarify if you finally went back and read it.

Spend three minutes writing: What am I still looking slightly away from that needs to be faced before anything about it can change, and what has the looking away actually been costing me?

Close your notebook and ask yourself: What did I face today that I'd been softening or avoiding, and what opened up because of it? Where did I keep something in the dark because the light felt like too much? What is one reality I could look at more honestly tomorrow, not to fix it, just to finally see it clearly?

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." — James Baldwin

You cannot change what you won't face. And facing it, even when it's hard, is always where the path forward starts.

Video: "How She Learned Radical Acceptance" with Marsha Linehan

Watch: "How She Learned Radical Acceptance" with Marsha Linehan

DBT creator Marsha Linehan spent a sabbatical at a Buddhist monastery learning what she realized her therapy clients desperately needed: radical acceptance. What she discovered is that acceptance isn't about giving up or resigning yourself to suffering, it's about stopping the fight against reality so you can actually change it. At the monastery, they practiced letting go of wanting things a particular way, which sounds like erasure until Linehan clarifies: radical acceptance means you accept the moment you're in and the past, but you can absolutely work to change the next moment. You can't change what you won't accept.

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Coming Monday: The overwhelm spiral rarely arrives overnight; it builds quietly through small adaptations until your nervous system has no capacity left, and why catching the early signs changes everything before you reach breaking point.

Researched and edited by Natasha. Designed with love by Kaye.

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